Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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