You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
