when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
