R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
this beer tastes like vomit already
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
