You made eat vitamins until I threw up
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
