Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
