Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
