I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
