I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
