I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
