I wish you could order shots online.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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