and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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