i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
