I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
