I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
