I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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