I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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