i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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