Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
