so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
