The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
