Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
