I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
