he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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