he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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