Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
