I am puke
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I did not marry a roomba.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
