yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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