last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
