When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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