Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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