i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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