I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
