she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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