my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
