so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish I only lived at night.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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