I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
