I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
