Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
