You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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