I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
