Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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