hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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