Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
