I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
