the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
