Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
