tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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