Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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