Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
